Infidelity
One of you turned away from the relationship…
… asking someone other than your significant other to fill your needs.
Texting, emailing, social media on the sly.
Non-verbal signals to your’ work spouse’ that you hope no one else notices.
Hushed phone conversations in the middle of the night. Phantom trips to the store just to meet up.
Hiding money spent.
The hurt partner is not oblivious to any of this. Intuition is churning into anxiety as the unfaithful one moves through their day. Looking for patterns and trying to find ‘proof’ to verify they aren’t going crazy.
There’s a loss of trust and respect…
And you don’t know if you can ever get back.
The unfaithful partner has apologized a thousand times, promising it will never happen again. The hurt partner just can’t accept that apology because the trust has been broken and has not yet been repaired.
There’s anger and resentment on both sides. You wonder if it’s possible to get back the love, trust, respect, and acceptance that you once had.
This breach of trust cuts deeper than you ever imagined possible.
The hurt partner probably feels like their identity has been lost – that their “specialness” is gone.
You tell yourself that “your person,” the one who made you feel irreplaceable, just willfully discarded you for someone else as easily as buying a new sweater.
Maybe you feel that you can’t possibly compete with the person trying to replace you in your partner’s life. You’re disposable, garbage. Your self-esteem is at rock bottom.
You don’t want to give up, but you’re not sure if this can be fixed.
You don’t want to give up your basic values to win your partner back.
Some of the actions you’ve taken after the affair was revealed make you feel worse as they violate your core values and principles. Instead of working on the relationship, you let your significant other talk you into allowing them to go on a “final goodbye weekend” so they hopefully come back with a different mind-set. You feel you have no choice if you want the relationship to work.
Your thoughts and actions seem to have a life of their own, as you’ve probably thought and done things that you later regretted. But you’re so hurt and angry!
Your fundamental sense of order and justice in the world has been knocked sideways. Why has God allowed this to happen?
You may have lost your sense of purpose… or even the will to live.
You’re probably embarrassed, and your connections with friends and family have suffered. They all have their own opinions.
You’re constantly on guard, looking for signs that your partner is still seeing that lover or is looking for a new one. You feel you’re losing it.
You ask yourself, “Is it worth the work, or should we end this marriage?”
These are all normal and appropriate responses to finding out your spouse had an affair. Your world has been turned upside down.
If you’re the unfaithful one…
Now that the affair is in the open, you have some explaining to do.
The first thing you will have to do is decide whether you want to heal with your partner. If you do, you’ll likely have to grieve the loss of your lover.
However, a choice must be made. Once it’s made, you’re going to have to face some hard realities and resolve some of the conflicts you’ve been avoiding.
So many emotions and thoughts are swirling around in your head…
You may feel relief that the lying is over.
If you choose to stay, you may get impatient when your partner can’t just “move on.”
You’ll probably find yourself trying to keep busy – anything to avoid the conversation about the affair and hang on to the hope that things will right themselves in time.
You might also have guilt over the pain and embarrassment you’ve caused your children.
You’re liable to feel isolated as parents, family members, and friends judge you harshly, wondering how you could do this to your family.
There’s often a sense of hopelessness as you wonder how in the world to fix this.
Or you might not feel guilty at all because you looked elsewhere to meet needs your partner couldn’t.
You have valid feelings and needs which should be addressed. Just remember, though: No matter how badly you feel, the effects of your infidelity are seldom as shattering, disorienting, or profound for you as they are for the person you deceived.
But… there IS a way to fix this.
Here’s how to regain the trust and love you used to share…
I can help. I understand both sides of this problem. Affairs don’t just accidentally happen; there are reasons behind them.
In working together, we go through three stages of recovery…
The first stage answers this question: “Is this reaction normal?”
We look at exactly how you got to this point in your marriage. Maybe communication is the barrier. There could be trust issues that evolved from other life experiences. Every couple is unique, with each individual bringing their perspectives and beliefs with them.
Recognize what each other’s needs are. Truly understanding your significant other’s needs in a relationship will reveal exactly what actions are required to make your loved one feel secure, respected, and accepted, which are the foundations of trust-building.
In the second stage, we review your options of staying in the marriage.
We’ll determine whether it’s time to separate or to buckle down and figure this out so you can stay together. In either instance, there are still steps for recovery, especially if there are children involved.
In the third stage, we explore how to rebuild your lives together.
We’ll explore what you learned from the affair and how to restore trust. We’ll also explore how to talk about what happened, how to engage in sex again (if you’re staying together), and how to forgive.
Recovering from infidelity isn’t easy, but…
Once the work has been done and trust is restored, you could find yourself in an even better, stronger relationship than you ever imagined.
Don’t go another day wondering how you’re going to get through this incredibly difficult time. Small steps lead to significant transformations. You are already taking small steps by looking at this website.
Take another small step, and call me today for a free 30-minute phone consultation to see if we are a good fit: (262) 674-7009.